I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
