ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
