im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
