I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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