Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
