dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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