i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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