I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
