I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
