I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
