you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
