question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
