New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
