i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
