At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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