Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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