dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
