im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
