strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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