I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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