Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
