That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
