Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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