His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
