Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How does one acquire holy water?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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