Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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