Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
