I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
