My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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