i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
