Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
