Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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