It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
