hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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