She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
