Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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