in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
