fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
