I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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