WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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