i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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