ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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