theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
