it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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