I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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