u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Randomize
