I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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