i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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