i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
