My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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