I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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