Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
