He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
